vinic j. beverage (vinic) wrote in the_daily_kook,
vinic j. beverage

Bilingual Frankie Anderson

As seen on THE THING, a site everyone should see, enjoy, and have sex with.


Bilingual Frankie Anderson had always prided himself on the fact he could speak two languages, and used this fact as indisitnguishable proof at parties with an exceeding quantity of alchohol that he wasn't retarded, which anyone who's been to such parties knows is what is immediately thought about men such as Frankie.

You see, Frankie lacked the ability to do anything other than talk. His face had been removed as a child when it was discovered that that was the only way people could love him at all, because he was so incredibly ugly that, when he was born, his mother not only died immediately from shock, but came back to life the instant she died so she could put in her will the fact that if little Frankie wants to get money out of her death, his body has to disown his face and allow a much more attractive one to take its place.

Immediately, the face was removed and sent soaring into the sun, and then fished out to be sent into a few hundred more to make sure it was dead. Sadly, though, the man who was bringing Frankie his replacement face died instantly upon seeing a picture of the face he was going to replace, and The Federal Bureau of Face Delivery was then shut down due to a sudden realization that such a bureau was the most dangerous bearau ever created, because looks can, indeed, kill.

Frankie's life got harder after that, suprisingly. As a baby, Frankie got used to never getting what he wanted, because his lone father could not tell if his little head was showing emotion in one way or the other due to a lack of facial features. Finally, he gave up and just bought him Pop Tarts and one of those pens that show naked ladies when you click them and left it at that.

Frankie doesn't remember much of his childhood and teenage years due to the fact that new memories were constantly beaten from his head by every social class imaginable, because even emo-punk Jew goths with homoerotic haircuts were more socially acceptable than a kid without a face.

In his early adult years, Frankie discovered the only way to stop getting constantly beat up was by joining a social class that will only get beat up by members of his own social class (and, in consequence, be regarded by other social classes as a high form of hilarity). He would have to act retarded. Luckily, his bones had been broken so much anyway that he already walked like one, and all the people who weren't beating on him had already thought that anyway. After a while, only people with single-digit IQs hit him, and it was usually with their reproductive organs. Of course, everyone watched and laughed at the retards.

Time passed, and Frankie slowly grew tired of his false life. He wanted to actually do serious things, and eat at serious restaurants while going on a serious date with someone who doesn't try to eat her own farts with a side of gravy and a fistful of dead birds. He decided to reveal to the world he was not retarded by going to hip parties and telling hilarious non-retarded related jokes to whoever passed by until the word got out.

Of course, he just looked like a retard with no face wearing a party hat.

Finally, he gave up and learned to speak Spanish.

He went to parties and said arousing and deadly things to whoever passed by in a language that most people understood anyway, but it seemed to work.

However, everyone there was drunk, and it was impossible for them to distinguish any form of language from another.

Frankie, yet again, failed at life.

Some people say Frankie is better off without any face at all. Frankie would never in his life be two-faced.

He would instead opt to be bilingual.
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